EXPLOSION

The relationship with my ex-husband is really starting to work. Meaning I feel like I am handling his emotions well. He has not changed but I am changing how I react to him. I have also decided that he will not be allowed to treat the boys the way he has treated me and my daughter in the past. My middle one came home from an overnight with him completely broken down. It broke my heart. He was teased and picked at the entire time, and was on the verge of tears when he came home. His Dad stayed for a while and was in his room with both boys and I could hear him picking on him. I said something about it, and the Dad asked my son if he felt like he was being mean to him. My son is very good about speaking his mind and said, yes Dad you have been at me all day and yesterday.

EXPLOSION!

The Dad reacted as he would with me during the marriage. Ranting, and cussing about how he wasn't f-ing picking on him. They had fun and that he was just a baby. He ended with I am out of here, gave the littler on a hug good bye and had to get in one more verbal dig by saying "I am out of here, your LITTLE baby brother is pissing me off" or something to that effect. My son yelled, "GOODBYE" and the door was slammed.

My heart was just breaking for him. I instantly hugged him and he teared up of course! What a jerk. This is NOT how you treat your kids. This is not how you treat anyone. This is exactly why I divorced him. I have been working very hard on myself and my relationship with my kids so they don't have to look back at their childhood and have memories like the one just created by his Dad. I talked with my son several different time throughout the day about this event. I let him know it is not okay to be treated like that by anyone, especially your parent. I let him know (he is 11) he can choose whether or not he spends time with his Dad. I also let him know that I wanted to talk to his Dad about getting some counseling for parenting. He thought that would be a good idea.

His reaction to this request will be interesting and I will deal with that when I get there. I just know that I cannot allow my kids to be mistreated like this.

Wonder Woman

Hello Wonder Woman,
Your name tells me a lot about you. I too am a Wonder Woman. It is a tough job, and the best advice I have received lately (just last week) was to take my cape off and take some pressure off myself to do it all (thank you Maia). I am only telling you this because I see similarities between us. I too am very focused on being a good parent and not damaging my kids, so much that I also feel guilty for making mistakes that may have a lasting effect on my kids in their own lives. The truth of the matter is that we as parents will make mistakes. My parents did, I have, and you probably have. That is how we learn, that is also how kids learn. I really love what Maia said about talking with your son. Really no matter what age he is, you can always talk to him on his level and explain that Mom, Mommy or Mother is not perfect. She is human, and humans make mistakes. I try to do this whenever I screw up with my own kids and they are 18, 11 and 3. Of course how I tell them varies with the age, but I still let them see that I can admit when I have done something wrong. I think it helps them to see that if they make mistakes they can do the same thing. I try to tell them what I plan to do so that I don't repeat the mistake and invite them to help me in implementing the change. Maia taught me this. Her specific example was in reference to me wanting to stop yelling when I get mad. She told me to tell the kids that they could ask me to take a time out when I start to loose it. It has actually become quite humorous. When I start to rant or become unreasonable they (and their friends) will say, "I think Mom needs a timeout." I usually end up laughing at hearing them tell me that I need to chill and that diffuses the situation.

My favorite word to explain how I like to parent is 'collaboratively'. It is actually my new favorite word. But it seems to take the pressure off me if I involve them in the parenting process. They get to feel like they have some say in the relationship and I get to feel like I am not in it alone. Of course, I am the parent, I do have the final say, but I am willing to listen (most of the time) to their view of the situation. That is how I do it. It works for me, again, most of the time. But as I said before I am not perfect and sometimes there are just those days when chaos happens. It happens in the real world and I am parenting real kids in the real world.

~Crystal