A Conversation that never was

THE PROBLEM:

I am really sick of how you are such a part-time Dad and that the only time you want to take your kids is when it is convenient for you. Your partying always comes first. You are almost 50 years old and you keep acting like a child. You make me sick. You don't care about building a relationship with them. You certainly aren't concerned about my stress level. If you did you would answer the phone when I call and need you to help out with them.

I know you are a liar and probably always have been. Who am I kidding. You have lied the entire time I have known you. I let you, I was so needy that I ignored the signs. I wasn't perfect either. I was not faithful and I lied about it. We killed our relationship with drugs and alcohol and the final straw was my sobriety. You never supported me in that, and now you are going off the deep end. What a loser you are.

Sometimes I wish you would just disappear. Fade out of our lives so that your inconsistencies with the kids would stop being hurt by you. But that would be a catch 22, they would be heart broken. Really I just want you to have no affect on me or them and that only seems possible if you just go away.

You are ignorant and arrogant. I am done with men like you. I deserve better, I am better. I am done being held captive by men like you who prey on my neediness. I am not needy anymore. I do not need someone to make me whole. I am completing myself. When I am ready to attract the right person into my life I will. As a matter of fact, from now on, whatever I need in my life I will attract.

I have always had the power to manifest what I need. I just was hiding from it. I have created incredible children, yes you helped, but from here on out I will teach them how to also manifest everything they need. This is my gift to you and me.

THE QUESTION:
I'm curious... why did you go with this guy in the first place.
I see this all the time. Women going with guys, that you know won't go anywhere, its just not a good match. do they think they will change these guys.. is their an attraction to these "bad boys" what is it?



THE ANSWER:
Great question, and I didn't used to know the answer to it. I thought growing up that it had something to do with the "bad boy" image, and in part it does.

In order for you to understand I need to explain the environment I grew up in. This is not an excuse for my choices in men, but it does have a huge impact. My Dad was an alcoholic who beat the hell out of my Mom and terrorized us both. He also sexually abused me and raped her. He was mean, and there was constant chaos in my environment. The extended family was always yelling, cussing, fighting and drinking at any gathering or holiday. The kids were allowed to drink at an early age of about 8 or so, it was just normal. All of the craziness was normal life to me.

I think what felt familiar, is what I attracted, and also what felt right when I found it. The men I dated and the man I married did not treat me good. I knew they didn't but I thought it was normal man/woman behavior. I also felt very negative about myself inside and that I was getting what I deserved. I was desperate to be loved. I spent many years in bad relationships and being addicted to alcohol and drugs. I thought I liked life out of control.

During all of this time I was a productive person in society and well liked. I have always had a side of me that is very smart and spiritual, it just didn't get the chance to shine. I felt like I was mostly in survival mode. Once I started connecting with people who didn't live in chaos, and I decided that being an addict was not how I wanted to live, I could see that the choices I was making were creating my crappy life and bad relationships. But for the longest time I just played the victim and figured this is the hand that life had dealt me.

I am so grateful that I know now that I am in control of how I live and who I live my life with. I know that I deserve more than the 'bad boy' who is going to treat me bad. I know that my needs matter and that there are people out there who know how to have a good relationship. I am also learning to love myself and not be so desperate to be loved. One of the hardest lessons I learned that was love and sex are not synonymous. I was taught this concept wrong by being sexualized and I had to re-learn it the hard way.

With all of this being said, I really am glad I have the experiences I have. They give me so much knowledge to share with others and wonderful skills for parenting. I know exactly what I do NOT want for my kids because of what I went through. I also know that someday when the time is right I will attract a 'good guy' who is willing to have a give and take relationship. It is a an exciting thought really, to have a healthy relationship.

Why is self-care so difficult for me?

I thought this was the perfect topic since I have been sick for the past two days. I have been literally beating myself up because I feel very non-productive. I try to work despite feeling horrible and make myself feel even worse. I don't feel worthy of just laying on the couch. I don't really want to focus on why I do this (I know it stems from things ingrained in me from earlier in life)but what I do want to focus on is how to change it. If I don't change how I take care of myself, I will end up sick like I am today.

So, what does self care look like to me. It looks like working with balance. Taking time out of my day every few hours. Since I work from home, sometimes I find myself overworking. If I were at a job place I would take breaks every so often because it is mandatory. I need to implement this same behavior at home. I also need to be consistent in taking days off. As my own boss, I need to stick to a schedule and take at least 2 days off per week to avoid burnout and illness. I need to be honest with myself and when I am feeling an emotion, I need to address it. Not stuff it and ignore it so it can come out as anger, or illness.

As I sit here and type this, I am thinking to myself how simple these things sound. But time and time again, I ignore my body and then I have a breakdown in my system whether it be physical or mental. I do not want to continue to do this. I have received some great ideas from my life coach, and actually they have been assignments. She knows if she assigns me something, I will do it. I am driven, so she taps into that. What she is so clever about though, is what she assigns. For instance, she will tell me that each day of the week I have to do something fun. Even if it is for five minutes. This I also find difficult but rewarding when I adhere to it.

The simple act of pampering one's self is not what I was raised to believe is good. It has always been perceived as lazy. This has created a very hard working individual in me, but it also creates turmoil. I get sick. I either mentally freak out on someone, or I get physically ill. One way or another my body is going to let me know I need to slow down. So, I am going to make a bullet list at the end of this post and make it my top priority to stick to it!

Crystal's Self Care List:
* Take breaks during my work day, at least every 2 hours
* Take at least 2 days off each week
* Do 1 fun thing everyday, even if it is only for 5 minutes
* Do something indulgent at least once a month (pedicure, massage, etc)
* Acknowledge and deal with feelings that pop up, do not ignore them
* Keep telling myself I am not lazy and I deserve "Crystal" time